These days leading up to reality have been full of emotions.
Feelings of hope, anxiety, uncertainty, humility, fear, peace….all of it. Oftentimes, all in the same day. Trying to prepare our family to be gone for 8 weeks or more has been overwhelming in itself. Brad and I will both be out of work for the 8 or more weeks, which weighs heavy most days. Every day we pray for God to provide us with what we need to get through this. Each day we see such an outpouring of provision through so many different people and situations that have been placed in our lives-even through some people we don’t even know. People want to help so much and the generosity shown to us is truly overwhelming. Each day we are taken aback by someone else’s giving heart. God is revealing Himself through so many, and in so many ways. People who have nothing themselves are reaching out to us-it’s truly a lesson in the call to give, and living by faith.
Even in the midst of all prayer and support, I have struggled with the emotional challenge of preparing a nursery for Poppy once she is home. As a mother to Crosby, I would say I have a pretty good understanding of what babies need when they come home from the hospital. Preparing the nursery, having all the necessities in order, washing all the sweet little outfits, and envisioning what it will be like with our precious new addition in a place prepared especially for her. Knowing of Poppy’s condition, while it’s a tremendous blessing to be able to know ahead of time, it has made what should be an exciting time of nesting and prepping the nursery, a very emotionally challenging time.
My mommy instinct is to prepare a special place for her the way I know how…just like for Crosby. But Poppy is not Crosby. In so many ways, this is the beauty of being a parent and having kids, the getting to experience the differences unique to each child. However in this case, it’s terrifying because as a mother, it’s unnerving to have no idea how to care for your sweet new baby. I have been reassured that nurses will teach me how to do everything before we leave the hospital, which does provide a sense of comfort. Just knowing that for at least the first 6-12 months of her life, Poppy will be fighting for her life every minute of the day, day by day-touch and go. This to me, is the scariest. Even though I know that God will guide us through it, just as He does, it’s still a helpless feeling. I’m sure, just as other heart moms have shared with me, ‘you just do it.’ At the same time, I catch myself entertaining the possible reality of coming home without her. It breaks my heart to even admit that this crosses my mind at times. I know that God will heal her if it’s His will, and we pray every second of the day that that’s His will.
Please continue to pray for us as we prepare for the journey ahead.